tereza

can't sleep...

2008-06-16T01:54:00.000-07:00

and i need to be up early tomorrow. got class at UP, then some meetings and errands to do, then go to UST after. back again to the hectic, fast-paced life, after a summer that was intense but at the same time peaceful, quiet and fun.

the new school year has given me new demands and more responsibilities to face. the past few days have been nothing but psyching myself to accept what's gonna happen-- deal with the noise and stress of the streets, work to the death, almost no play, use up every single minute of the day or else suffer the consequences. yes i'm quite sure this is what will happen, as in the previous years, and the truth is, i'm dreading it. here i go again with my so-called 'important' activities... as if career should be the only thing in my life (its not, its nooot).... trying to make more money only to spend them all and have to start all over... missing out on family and friends even if my heart says not to...

you may think my complaints are shallow and baseless. after all, i am simply doing my share of serving society. i know i am lucky to even have vacations while there are many who don't. i always thank God that i have a decent job i can enjoy, that i get to earn, that the gigs are there, and that, in spite of feeling that my body is torn to pieces at the end of the day, i am still miraculously alive. nevertheless, given all the stuff that i have to do, i am really not sure now if i have enough strength and courage for it. i survived last year, but not sure if i can do it again for one more year. right now, i am desperate for more help, motivation, inspiration!

...and more importantly, faith and confidence in myself... i start the school year feeling very blind, unsure and lost...

the only thing that comes to mind now, is that little prayer a Spanish priest who died in 1994 would utter before going to bed: Gracias, perdon, y ayuda me mas!

Woodrose 98

2008-02-13T03:01:00.000-08:00

I missed the reunion, but watching the vid posted by kat/joey compelled me to now write some, uh, 'thoughts' about highschool.. as i feel like i've been a sucker for punishment lately this blog entry ought to make up for my ditching you guys last sat.haha.i did say i was gonna come..

anyway, listing them here, in no particular order of importance...

... gad, i looked so different then... !

... we all looked so different then!!

...what happened all this time?!

...the bench... i miss that one.. good memories of my chats with ms. eugenio my tutor (priceless gems of wisdom i got out of those chats)... times after class when i simply sit and stare while waiting for aggie/kresta/joy to pack their bags... countless bench photo shoots..

...baguio seminar.. (oh kaaat remember?! who'da thought things can STILL take an unexpected turn years after that...)

...la union beach, singing 'everybody hurts' late at night with vida, kres, lala, ags..joy? (bat nga ba?)

...monica yups, jac, joanne r, eunice, pilar, aileen vals, aileen p, joanna def, carmela vertido.. how and where the hell are you guys?

...THE barkada: ... 12 tayo nun.. dami

...may naamoy akong manusya!...

...monica made me walt whitman...

...monica made me do alot of things...

...lala... you were naughty, to me esp haha.. i never forget our bonding moments!

...me, kris m, and pam sitting by the fields just staring, then kris says, "Indeed, silence can be a mark of true good friendship...' emooooow... !

...jac and tusa: fong f-fong, fong fong f-fong... :)

...glee club, lingap, narra...

...the best busrides ever! (8hrs stuck in traffic sa slex due to floods and rains..perfect.)

...our outreach project to kids with leukemia... i still remember the boy i played with, kim was his name.. i remember Ces' girl playmate... and the day we went to her wake...

...miriam reyes... her picture in the vid moved me to tears...although i entered Woodrose only in highschool, miriam was a good playmate/friend when we were kids...she was super nice, with a naughty streak, adorable, fun to be with, and though it was all kidstuff, her Person remains deeply in my heart... lost contact when she went to the US, was affected when i found out about her having leukemia, moved by the way she calmly and cheerfully dealt with her sufferings, and deeply saddened by her death.. she certainly earned her place in heaven... i pray to her many times...

...the shrine...

...my favorite Our Lady pic in 2nd yr, section IIB...

...a thing cannot NOT be...

...ipsum esse subsistens.... wow...

...music music and more music!...

...teachers (they were all weird... for me... )...

...eunice's and nash's 'the bamboo duo' :)...

...enchanted kingdom...

...per asperam ad astra...

...a ae ae am a, ae amus is as is..

...to my cooking groupmates! we were the best!!! haha

...dissecting frogs... mine was very gross...

...blue team forever...

...myris...hola...

...carla castro! howdy!..thanks for rockapella! :)

...yvette, carmela... you will always be family to me!

...pam! huggggs...

...sunshine, aggie... friends til the end! still amazes me how we can grow closer throughout the years!

dear batchmates! it was awesome...all the best to you! thanks for everything! tus

No Frontiers

2008-02-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

tripping on this song by Jimmy McCarthy.. yes juan i know i got melancholia...

No frontiers

If life is a river and your heart is a boat
And just like a water baby baby born to float
And if life is a wild wind that blows way on high
And your heart is Amelia dying to fly

Heaven knows no frontiers
And I've seen heaven in your eyes

And if life is a bar room in which we must wait
'Round the man with his fingers on the ivory gates
Where we sing until dawn of our fears and our fates
And we stack all the dead men in self addressed crates

In your eyes faint as the singing of a lark
That somehow this black night
Feels warmer for the spark
Warmer for the spark
To hold us 'til the day
When fear will lose it's grip
And heaven has its way

Heaven knows no frontiers
And I've seen heaven in your eyes

If your life is a rough bed of brambles and nails
And your spirit's a slave to man's whips and man's jails
Where you thirst and you hunger for justice and right
And your heart is the pure flame of man's constant night

In your eyes faint as the singing of a lark
That somehow this black night
Feels warmer for the spark
Warmer for the spark
To hold us 'til the day
When fear will lose it's grip
And heaven has its way
And heaven has its way
When all will harmonise
And know what's in our hearts
The dream will realise

Heaven knows no frontiers
And I've seen heaven in your eyes
Heaven knows no frontiers
And I've seen heaven in your eyes

Pasko 2007 Blog

2007-12-16T17:26:00.000-08:00

Behold, the coffee maker that i won at the raffle of the ust faculty union christmas party... imarflex... yessss... sa 3taon ko nang pagtuturo dun ngayon lang ako naka attend... not bad for a first timer huh... usually minamalas ako sa mga ganyan... ung katabi ko nga, sabi nya sa pitong taon nyang pagpunta sa party na yan wala pa syang napapanalunan... they were giving away 500 prizes... natapos ung party wala rin sya ulit naiuwi... so that was pretty awkward... decided to give the coffee maker to mom for her counseling center.

***
Having been through disappointing, and sometimes painful Christmases in the past, I have learned not to expect a perfect one this year, not to get over excited, and just to let things come as they come. My one constant Christmas wish had been peace in my soul, whatever that means, and i know it is something that i would just have to keep on struggling to work at, with faith and hope...

***
During schooldays I stay at my grandparents' house at Proj 4, QC, with my bro and sisters studying at UP, my cousins, a tito and 2titas. It is most convenient for me because it is accessible to both UP and UST (an lrt trip from anonas to legarda is the fastest). Since its located on Malong Street, we just call the place Malong. One can just imagine how crazy the house can get at times, 2 hyperactive 80+ year olds, me and my bro, 27 and 25 and just barely surviving adult life hahahaha, a single 50yr old tita, a bunch of college cousins/siblings in their 20s... it's one hell of a family life, where ppl just come and go as they please, and if one wants to avoid unpleasant incidents, the best thing to do is simply HIDE.

Anyway, this December has brought about another Malong quirk. Nagtataka na lang ako nung pag-uwi ko na abala ang buong bahay sa pagdedecorate. Pati ung paa ng piano nilagyan ng ribon. My lola was hands on doing the entire belen. This is quite a big deal since a belen in Malong means the entire nativity story. It's a big set, I remember when we were kids how we used to play with the mini shepherd figurines and do dozens of stunts with it. This year the belen is my lola's grand work of art, simpler than that of the previous years, but still elaborate with all the shepherds, the sheep, cows (?) angels, 3 kings, and a star with ribbon purchased in some store in Kamuning.

Di ko maintindihan kung bakit parang adik lahat ng tao dito. Adik sa pasko. Last Sunday, the super first thing we did in the morning was the lighting of the Advent Candle (there's a new Advent wreath now), we usually do this late in the evening. May bagong pakulo pa si lola: a white box with the following words written on top: Merry Christmas, Love you all. Lola wrote those words. Inside the box were all the Christmas cds and tapes(!) that one can just pop in the nearby player anytime he/she feels like it. 24hrs a day ang pagtugtog ng Christmas music dito, kakaloka!

Pag-uwi ko isang gabi, pansin ko na kami lang ang bahay sa kalye na pinakamakulay, umiilaw, bumubusilak! I've seen grander lights, but i just dont get why we have to be lighted THIS much this year.The following morning, lola was letting me try the first out of 16 fruitcakes they had made the day before. Pati queso de bola nilabas na rin nya. Adik!

Pati ako siguro nahawa na rin.. di ko rin alam kung bakit ko sinusulat tong blog na ito!

Then it suddenly hit me-- Malong has always been a Christmas house, a place to remember that we had been kids once, and where kids are there will always be Christmas (nakssss parang sa sine yun a). Taon-taon ang Pasko sa Malong ay di nawawalan ng saya at buhay, kahit anumang mangyari. It has always been like this, i had just forgotten, or maybe I wanted to forget. Mas luma pa yung bahay, pero mukang ako ang mas higit na tumanda. Ouch.

***
One of my newest projects this year is the UST Ethnic Ensemble, a very very new, raw group but so far has been gaining popularity within UST and active playing for campus-based events. It is composed of music majors from the conservatory. Adik rin mga tao dito. From Philippine indigenous music its members have been super eager in learning traditional African, world and brazilian samba.

A December event demanded that we come up with a Christmas thing. The original plan was to simply cover any popular Christmas tune and give it an ethnic touch. However the meeting in preparation for it took on a different twist. One by one its members started to share their previous Christmas experiences, a lot of them rather painful ones, and what their deepest hopes and desires were. Now it felt like we all wanted a more meaningful Christmas song that can capture what we have shared, a song with a message, a Christmas of pain, joy, and hope.

So... ayun, napa-compose kami. Popsong na maka-masa style na may halong ethnic ek ek. From meaningful it progressed to gaguhan, nilagyan ng mga makukulit na linya na paulit-ulit na nirarap. Pwede na nga syang pagtawanan. Jologs pa nga ang pamagat- Piso Peace. Hahahahahahahahaha. Nevertheless, what was amazing (and fun) about this project was how EACH member (there are 15 so far, and we are growing rapidly) was able to pitch in something for the song, a line or a chord progression or anything.

More amazing was the fact that when they performed this (i wasnt able to join them that day), just when akala nila pagtatawanan lang sila ng mga tao, maraming mga natunaw at naapektuhan sa kanta. wasak. May mga lumapit na nagsasabi na tinamaan raw sila at naunawaan nila ang mensahe ng kanta. May nag-imbita pa nga na gustong ipaulit ang kanta sa mga estudyante nya. gulat ang mga estudyante ko dahil gaguhan na lang talaga ang ginawa nila when they were performing it.

Anyway, walang recording ng kanta, but here are the lyrics--

Bakit kay hirap mangaruling ngayong Pasko?
Puro na lang patawad ang sagot sayo
Nageffort pa naman ako
Para lang sa piso mo.

Naglalakad ang diwa sa kawalan
Biglang napaisip kung saan
Tunay nga bang kasiyahan
Dito ba sa piso kong tangan?

Ika'y may hamon sa noche buena
Pagsasaluhan nila'y tinapa
Ngayong Pasko ang yong kasalo
Bumalot ng lungkot sayong puso
Kaibigan naisip mo na ba,
Sinong mapalad, ikaw o sila?

Piso lang ba ang kaya mong ialay?
Piso lang ba ang kayang ibigay?
Matapobre ka ba OR NOT!!!

it hasn't really stopped, has it

2007-07-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

tama na..!

a good priest told me once before... You're stronger than you think...

and i can only see otherwise...

more trials, more darkness

more pain...

more hurt feelings they wouldn't dare to see...

and at this point, nobody really CARES.

wala na akong kayang iharap pa sa mundo... masama bang ipakita na ganito ako?

malaking bagay ba na ganito ang mga pinagsusulat ko?

and in the midst of it all, i should be able to find my happiness...

last month i was told that i should be basking in the love of God...

and yet present circumstances, events make it all too difficult.. to fathom...

what He really sees... in me.

yet deep down i know, that it'll be alright.

except that I'm learning things

the hard way.

Whole.

2007-05-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

including all components without exception...being one unit...complete... considering all the things that i've been going through, both stuff written and unwritten here, i have to say that my life has been all about broken pieces, and broken pieces is all i see, many parts, some even shattered, that i try to put together, with a lot of difficulty...most of the time, things are beyond my control..

However this past weekend will remain unforgettable. time and unusual events/circumstances have made it less easy for my family to be all in one place, even on special occasions. Since we are 6 kids (yeah i still wanna call us kids), the absence of one can be forgivable... that no matter what we are still family, we pray for each other, think of one another, blah blah.

For some reason everyone decided to be home for the weekend. it wasn't planned, no required activity to attend, no obligations, each one just wanted to come home, get some breather and rest at my parents' (i imagine my mom, though she wouldn't show it, how deep inside she's ecstatic about this).

Saturday was pretty ordinary. Each one did his/her own thing, my dad and brother went out for the afternoon for some errands (they dont do this that often anymore), belay and gushi watched Shrek the 3rd at ATC, while mom and i shared a dvd movie at home... everyone else had errands.

Dinnertime started to 'feel' different.. or better yet, familiar. That began a list of things we did that we haven't done in a while, and it started with a real conversation at table, from culture to Catholic doctrine to politics, all eyes and ears. my parents were sharing their past experiences during their activist years, and all their stories were awesome. Those who haven't prayed the rosary prayed together after dinner. Gushi and Belay then wanted to watch the extended version of Fellowship of the Rings. Maybe it was the aircon or the 2 bowls of popcorn, but surprisingly, everyone joined them to watch. I too was surprised with myself, I originally planned to spend a quiet night inside my bedroom.

There we were, all of us at the tv/family room. meg and mom shared the bed, juan and gushi at the mini couch, papa and crissy on individual chairs, and me and belay sprawled on the floor. We were complete, and we all wanted it. I felt how each of us wanted to make family complete that night, and we were present, all senses, engaged in the movie as well as the commentaries by each one, all laughed, all listened, all asked, all answered.

This continued til Sunday. Juan, who usually goes to Mass earlier than the rest of us, decided to attend the later Mass with us. Usually I also attend Sunday Mass alone, whenever I stay at my lola's (and it always feels lonely!) I cannot remember anymore when was the last time we were 100% complete for Sunday Mass, it has been many years...

At lunch, we realized that we coudn't fit anymore. Since my lola mommy was there too, we all had to move closer to fit at the table... Again I felt it, we all wanted to be complete, so we were there, to take part in the conversation so unique, I know I can only find here in my family, very lively, intimate, both wild and deep, mainly reminiscing about the simpler life, the good life, when we were a lot younger, before "real" life began. Transformers was at the heart of it :)

Everyone had that 'family' high, juan decided to come home monday morning instead of late that night, and the best part is, papa decided that we all eat out for dinner..

...at a classy Italian restaurant at Serendra. Good food, and though we were tired, we still wanted to be there.

And I was amazed how everyone threw in their effort, their presence, their hearts and souls, to make a complete family. Each of us has our own trials, woes, annoyances. Many times we find each other unbearable. But not this past weekend. Anything negative was put aside. Belay had inconvenient allergies, but she didn't mind it, she still joined us for dinner. Everyone was there because we all wanted to be there, all were eager to make family through our own individual ways. We wanted it to be whole. We all wanted to smile and be happy so that others could be happy.

It was a good reminder for each of us that, no matter what happens, we will all be there looking out for one another, that even if we may not be that perfect, no family is, we're still there, ever strong.

And I felt strong. I may have many broken pieces inside of me, but I know I can make things whole too, the way all of us, Mommy, Papa, Crissy, ako, Juan, Meg, Belay and Gushi, made family whole, even if only for a weekend.

Mom commented how we were complete.. and grown.. I thank God that even if we're grown we still know how to be family...

We may all have many things to sort out in ourselves, when mom mentioned grown, I added 'overaged' to myself. Maybe it is awkward to still depend on family at this point in my life, when I should be more stable financially, I should be more independent, I should acquire more 'adult' skills, maybe I should be married and starting my own family (wala pa lahat toh!). But I am certain about one thing, whatever we did this past weekend, whatever was felt, whatever blessing there was, I am certainly gonna carry with me wherever I go, whatever happens to me...

tranquila...

2007-05-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

this will probably consist of stiff, awkward writing. it's been quite awhile since i last logged in here. i think one of the reasons why i started this account was, besides the writing exercise, to give me a chance to look into myself, and to put myself 'in writing' so that it could help me see life more clearly, even if only for a bit..

so many things have happened in a span of 3weeks.. both good and bad, events that are significant enough to be etched in my mind forever...

I quit tropikasya... it was a good solution to my burnout, as well as some of the band issues, but nevertheless, it still felt like a sad breaking up, like ending a special relationship, and no matter how much i miss the bond and the music, i know i could never go back to it, and that things are not the way they were, they way i (still) want them to be, the first time i joined the band...

... it's a sad story i'm afraid with a sad ending for me... i miss the first time...

I will always love latin music.. i live and breathe it, the rhythms are already in my system... I know i can move on to other things, new projects are coming my way, but a big part of me i have already given to salsa... the worst part about this whole thing is that something in me got killed, perhaps forever...

... and because i quit the band, another hard consequence arose which i'm currently dealing with.. deadbroke and making utangs... summer's been cool coz i could just bum at home and rest, but all my other summer plans were dropped coz i dont have the money for those plans.. so more bumming at home... wattalife...

things arent that bad though.. i managed to go to boracay with brigada 2wkends ago (thank you Inky!), and that was a blast... it felt good playing the drums out on the beach... watching the beautiful sunsets, drinking milkshakes with the waves rushing towards me... seafood tripping (had a nasty oyster overload which i felt even 4days after!)... talking to the locals and the fun frisbee ppl... simply walking barefoot on the sand... having wine and cheese by the beach and just lying (or laying? eh!) there (lifestyle network!)... my friend and bandmate Alay commented that this should be considered real life, and not the everyday stress people face... I couldn't agree with him more...

three nights ago my sisters and i went out stargazing.. we just stood right in the middle of an empty field, staring at the dark sky above our heads.. Crissy my ate's the expert in this. She's actually part of the Philippine Astronomical Society and she brought her stargazing guide and binoculars that night (she's got a telescope at home too)... This is another firsttime experience for me and it was amazing... I got to see my zodiac, Leo, and Scorpio, the star at the heart of Scorpio called the antares, the big dipper, the southern cross, the omega centaur, the jewel box... it's so cool to understand the meanings behind the stars... and that particular night helped me to realize (again!) that i could still enjoy the world in spite of my problems... that i can always be at peace, and nothing and no one can rob me of that!

this week's garbage

2007-05-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

losing friends...

a nasty tooth extraction...

getting way broke and living on loans...

stupidity...

no insights/thoughts about all these...

this morning

2007-04-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

i just got off the phone with one of my colleagues... and heard some nasty things... funny how the first thing that i did after talking to her was log on and write in here...

friends who have been so dear to me have been talking against me behind my back...

about stuff that are 'laughable' actually.. but having friends like that is sad...

... i don't know what to think, what to believe, what to do...

...how can life be so stupid at times?...

dear God, help me... and may i avoid talking about other people, useless gossip, rash judgements...
and to see that in every person there is a soul...

..grant me the grace to be forgiving, more tolerant, and understanding... we all have faults Lord!

In every person that I meet.. let me see Your face! Even in musicians!!!

---

Happy Birthday to my dear Mama... you've always been my best friend!

limbo

2007-04-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

kat sarabia's blog entry at her multiply site featured an article in which Pope Benedict declared there is no limbo...

an interesting read, and an interesting 'new' truth..

so i guess limbo has now become nothing but a state or condition of the mind...

and right now, i think limbo's just where i wanna be :)

Night

2007-04-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah I couldn't sleep last night, it's been that way for the past few days. I woke up before my alarm so decided to write this Saturday morning. Last night was pretty intense though.. my thoughts were flying and I couldn't help but reflect on the events of the past days.. too intimate to write here... but lately, nights are my only chances of thinking things over, and of pouring my heart out to God... since i've been struggling with sleep, these nights have become special moments of really praying, talking to Him...

Playing with Brigada at Batangas today... Tropikasya will be at Cafe Havana Greenbelt tomorrow and every Thursday starting next week.. contemplating whether or not I should take a break from the Havana gigs for now..

Last Wed was special.. after how many months (since Dec last year!) I finally got to see my friend Mike again, had a lot of catching up to do.. and he gave me good advice about what to do with this burnout thing i've been ranting about..still couldn't believe that he's also going through the same thing and is taking a break to do other things..I pray for him.. These special fun days with people who are so dear to me are quite rare now for me and I consider it a blessing-- there was plenty of time to hang out, I didnt have to rush, it was good seeing him again (man we used to hang out a lot! sorry if i still requested for a movie that afternoon even if you didnt really feel like it.. and infact didnt happen...its been ages since I last saw you, who knows when i'll be able to see you again-i hope soon-- and it's been awhile since i've been to the movies! .. saw your 2am text reply when i woke up at 6.. i slept just before 2am.. hell wondering what you were doing up so early/late!)

Even if i still want things to be more perfect (and clearer...sigh...), i guess i just have to leave it all up to Him...

and please ppl, don't find me weird if i talk about God here even if i'm not a nun nor a priestess (hehehehe i'm not gonna be one!).. i don't intend to be preachy, and i'm hardly goody goody but i really couldn't live a life without Him, that's how weak I am... He makes me strong... His Mother makes me strong too...

Here's to sleepless nights and best friends! Salut~

I am not going to Bora...

2007-04-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

...which really sucks. kulang daw sa budget so they have to remove 3 people from the band... dear God, this is hard to offer up...i've been looking forward to this, coz even if it involves 'work' at least i can get away...to escape even if only for a moment from pain and my inner turmoil... enjoy the beach life... i hate band issues... i hate being the one taken out... AGAIN!

hay nako, music.. hay nako, banda... akala ko all or nothing... why do i like big bands anyway??

can't help but feel misunderstood, underrated, and un appreciated... AGAIN (immature feelings i know, but hell, they come. thank you blogspace for letting me complain!)

last week was great... now where's the love?!

retreat 2007; holy week

2007-04-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

This is the first time that i didn't sleep through any activity! 3 things came to mind:

1. If I love, there will be no hell for me.. (St. Josemaria)

2. ...if He, Jesus, had not strengthened me with the Light of his most loving glance...

3. Loreto

And my latest book purchase from that retreat? Jack Philip's I choose to be free.

---

Anyway, taking off from my previous posts, I guess it's all about me still finding my place, and as mentioned, figuring out what my next steps ought to be. I got too tired of everything, studying, teaching, gigging. This vacation, I was adviced not to be pressured by anything. This could actually be hard. I really am such a paranoid person hahahaha..

I also mentioned previously that with all the activities I have missed out on life, namely--

-family, friends -- being there for them

-waking up early during the day

-doing 'normal' things for myself

-setting aside time for God

...I need to sort this out...

As for the music, I badly need changes... Right now, I'm sick of being the performer. I enjoy listening/watching other people. I enjoy listening to cds. Ziggy was fun because I was a fan. (haha, muntik ko nang i mistype yung fan sa fun.. isipin mo kung pinagpalit ko ung dalawa habang nag uusap tayo...yikes)... But if you put me up there on stage, it ain't fun anymore. Each time I play I feel crappy, and I can't help but believe that I play nothing but crap. All negative forces emerge... Music and I don't seem to get along lately. I need new stuff for me, and I pray I figure it out SOON.

Right now though, I haven't much choice but to keep on doing it, even if my heart's not in it. I guess that's what real perseverance is all about...

Ziggy Marley

2007-04-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

Watched his concert here last week. Fun, mejo bitin, and he sounds just like BOB. One of his songs struck me..the title is 'A Lifetime'... here are the lyrics:

Oh a lifetime isn't enough to love you

and a lifetime isn't enough to live

oh a lifetime isn't enough to love you

and one lifetime isn't enough to live

I may be different than you, criticized for what I do

I chose to explore the truth, the truth of me

and I won't be afraid on that day

I stand on my feet, because I am yeah

took the risk the chance just to understand

well I been cold, bold, selfish, misunderstood

like the lamb I will sacrifice to find you

( Chorus )

Been around so many people, without you I'm always alone

gazing into space, my existence unknown

I don't want to be here, I wanna be near

I stand on my feet, because I am yeah

took the risk the chance just to understand

well I been cold, bold, selfish, misunderstood

like the lamb I will sacrifice to find you

( Chorus )

Am I so different than you, criticized for what I do

I chose to explore the truth, the truth of you

and I won't be afraid on that day

I stand on my feet, because I am yeah

took the risk the chance just to understand

( Chorus )

Hey a lifetime isn't enough to love you

and one lifetime isn't enough to live

Attending a much-needed retreat tomorrow which will end Wednesday. More reflections...

burnt out

2007-03-31T06:03:00.000-07:00

yup that's exactly what it is. i'm sick and tired of what i've been doing. hard to admit this, but i'm actually sick of the music. it's just a phase i'm sure, a consequence of all the work, doing so many things all at once. nevertheless, i'm still looking for new directions and want to make changes for myself.

Crissy, my sister, sent me an article about the 5 signs of a job burnout, and i quote them here:
(msn.careerbuilder.com)

Sign No. 1: Your co-workers are walking on eggshells around you.
If you find yourself becoming cranky and irritable with co-workers you used to get along with, it may be more than just typical interpersonal dynamics.

Sign No. 2: You come in late and want to leave earlier.
You used to wake up in the morning excited for another day, but now every day you dread heading into the office. Once lunch passes you start watching the clock, counting the minutes to the end of the day.

Sign No. 3: Apathy has replaced enthusiasm.
You feel no motivation, no sense of accomplishment and have no desire to be challenged. Those who have burnout lose their motivation to perform, as well as their feelings of pride for a job well done.

Sign No. 4: You've lost camaraderie with co-workers.
You're no longer interested in the company network. You used to go to lunch, go out for drinks and participate in other company functions but now have no desire in socializing in or out of the office.

Sign No. 5: You're feeling physically sick.
You always feel exhausted, have headaches, feel tension in all of your muscles and are having trouble sleeping. These physical signs are common indicators of job stress, and demonstrate that this can turn into a physical problem.

And all of these happened to me. Sign no. 5 happened last week, and i'm still coughing (uhu-uhu).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly sick of music itself, i'm sick of me doing it. Next week, i'll force myself to be quiet and think things over. And hopefully this vacation will be a good one.

lala...

2007-03-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog entry. I never thought I'd actually create a blogspot for myself, but life simply led me to do this, today, March 19, St. Joseph's feast. For the first time in my life I attended my St. Joseph Mass at THE St. Joseph Parish at Anonas, QC. I took advantage of this Mass to ask for his intercession for A LOT of important things...

For those reading this, I would like to ask you to pray for Lala, my kabarkada in highschool. Last Thursday, one of her 2 sons, his bunso Gabriel, passed away. He drowned in their pool at home, sa Obando, Bulacan. He was only 2 yrs. old. All of us, friends, classmates, were shocked when we learned this...just when life becomes too much for each of us... now this happens...kainis...

Yesterday Sunshine and I attended the burial at Bulacan. I felt so sorry for Lala..seeing her in deep pain because she lost her son. Marami na rin syang napagdaanan. Being the 3rd eldest out of 12 brothers and sisters, she had to deal with a lot of problems and responsibilities growing up. I have always admired her strength in facing them. In fact, I remember in highschool how she was always the one trying to cheer people up. Her naughty streak (she kind of bullied me in my first grade) would most of the time make us laugh, and only sometimes annoy us. I remember how her sporty, bring-it-on attitude was what kept her on her toes. It was hard to detect that she was going through something. That's why seeing her yesterday like this... shocked, sad weak, and confused... It deeply affected me.

Other highschool classmates attended too, Jac Saez, Joanna Defensor, Jenny Newfield. It was weird having a reunion at a burial, but the last time I really saw them was graduation day 9 years ago, so there was a lot of catching up that had to be done. Last week I was on the comp for four days straight doing a term paper. My procrastinating (heh!) habits included chatting online with my cousins in the US and with 3 more Woodrose ppl, Yvette Valdez, Pam Imperial, and Joey Tolosa. Yvette and I chat often, but talking to Pam and Joey was really something..abit consoling to know that we're all facing some kind of quarterlife crisis/turmoil/whatever...hehe...

And one thing I've been realizing lately is how much I've been missing out... more on that on my next entry!